Growing Up: from Fearless Five to Terrified Twenty-Six

What has “Growing Up” done to you? Becoming an adult sucks for everyone, I know, but do you feel the anguish and despair at the loss of your innocence and wonder and joy that I do at mine?

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

When I was five, I wanted to be kind, compassionate, polite, helpful, spontaneous, easy-going. I wanted to chase my wildest dreams and live life to the fullest. I wanted to be independent and bold, to stand up for what’s right, to be fearless.

Some of those qualities I have successfully gained and developed, but unfortunately… they are no longer what I want, necessarily.

Nowadays, I hate myself for being an open book with people. I feel vulnerable. Easily manipulated. Regularly taken advantage of or taken for granted.

I resent my spontaneity. I crave stability and comfort, and wish I’d made different decisions in life that would have left me in a better position now.

Being independent and bold has manifested in being noncommittal to workplaces and argumentative with my loved ones.

Worst of all, the fearlessness I for so long sought to embody, by taking risks and refusing help, that I am now both afraid to carry on with the life I am living and afraid to accept help. I am afraid to build new connections and I am afraid to lose old ones. I am afraid of the person that I am, the things I’ll do, and I am afraid of who I may become and the opportunities I may miss.

Oh, the Drama – feeling embarrassed

After writing that first section, I immediately felt embarrassed. Like, who am I to complain? I have a wonderful life and support system. I have food, shelter, and water; luxuries most people in the world could only dream of; and opportunities for an even more privileged life.

As soon as I put my negative thoughts out there, I begin to wonder – how will this be perceived? How will I be judged? How will my friends and family view me, and will they treat me differently? Should they?

Are all of these feelings and thoughts normal for a human being, or are they exacerbated by our hyper-stimulated reality of social media, hustle culture, traffic lights and billboards? The answer is, obviously, “yes.”

Feelings of Failure

After all that the universe has granted me, what have I to show for it? Miserable feelings, unwarranted. Everyone and everything around me is either saying – “Don’t beat yourself up,” or “Stop feeling sorry for yourself,” – and I want to scream at both. “Be grateful,” I keep saying to myself. “Be grateful for your failures because each of them have taught you something.” Taught me what? That I continue to fail?

Failed at making a living as an artist, failed at becoming an architect like my family said I should have, failed at becoming a pilot by getting disqualified from ROTC, failed at making use of my PSC degree, failed at building a mobile home on a bus and failed at developing a local LLC in videography.

Sorry, guys. And this next one’s for my brother in particular (if he ever reads this): there is no silver lining in this blog post sometimes I’m exhausted of trying to find the silver lining, so I guess I’ll just wait for it to find me, and beg for the universe trust that it will.

The one thing that keeps me going is that this furry beast wouldn’t understand what happened if one day I didn’t wake up.

Thanks for reading.